Good Wednesday Morning!
How are you and yours?
I believe it’s been well with you! You can paint your own rainbows and find things to be grateful for this new month!
Oh, Happy new month everyone! May this month bring unlimited favour and grace our way.
I would have posted this last week, but I had to ask my friend Frances for permission first. It’s a story many(even family) don’t know about me, but she helped share it on her series “Share your story,Own your brokenness.”
I think that’s what I’ve done here, I’ve owned my brokenness.
But I’ve been made whole!
It’s right here.
After I asked Frances that I’d love to do a guest post on her blog, she told me about ‘ShareYourStory’, and as I thought about what to write. I heard in my spirit, “talk about suicide.”
I immediately said “Suicide ke?”
I’ve never wanted to kill myself na? Or so I thought.
I then started remembering somethings that happened in my past and it was like I was watching a movie.
“Was that me?” was what I kept asking myself. It was like all these memories were wiped out of my head and there are still some that I’m sure I cannot remember.
Anyways, so after I thought of if I had ever considered suicide, God played a scene in my head.
I was washing plates or so in the kitchen at night and from our kitchen then, one could also see our landlord’s kitchen. His daughter was/is my friend and I could see her also doing something there, then the devil started feeding me lies.
“You’re not good enough.”
“See how your mate is looking vibrant and you’re here getting fat and ugly.”
“All your mates will finish school and you’d still be here wasting your life away.”
“You’re the only boarder girl that has not gotten admission.”
“Nobody loves you.”
“You are a liability to your family.” “You should be ashamed.”
“It’s better if you even kill yourself.”
At the point the devil suggested that I kill myself, I was washing a knife.
I am crying as I write this because it is hard for me to believe that that was me, accepting the devil’s lies. I cry because I know it could have been serious, that I could have totally accepted to kill myself.
That I could have brought my family so much pain.
That I could have allowed my dear mother to live with guilt for the rest of her life.
That I could have died not finding out what God had in store for me.
That I could have died not getting to see my first sister prepare for marriage.
That I could have died because I could not merely gain admission. But God, the love of my life, the reason I have hope and purpose rescued me.
I cannot count the number of times I cried in a day during that period. If I did anything and made a mistake, I immediately heard the devil tell me it was because I was useless and could not think straight. Even if it was something as little as cutting a piece of meat too small or big, it was due to my ugliness.
I gained over 10kg during that period and mean remarks from people did not help my case. Calls from ‘friends’ became less frequent and it was like everyone had deserted me.
I remember now that I tweeted one disturbing thing on twitter and my sister quickly pinged me when she saw it to ask what I meant.
Please, don’t ever think that suicide is not an African thing or that Nigerians are strong so we never think of suicide. It is simply a thing of the mind and anyone can think of it.
See, the devil is a big fat liar!
And thoughts of suicide can be there even when one is surrounded by loving people!
Please, constantly check on someone if you think they are going through a hard time. It encourages all of us when we know that people care and are in all our hurt and pain with us!
I bought a “Thinking of you” card and wrote some encouraging things in it for my elder sister sometime back, because she had been unemployed for some time and was constantly the only one at home. I knew that I had gone through something similar and although I know she’s born again, I still thought it was important to let her know that I loved her and “joblessness” was not the end of the world.
Jesus saved me. He rescued me from darkness and spoke new things into my life. It’s not that He wasn’t speaking all through that time, but there was no way I could hear Him because I was not born-again and never read my Bible; although I went to church every Sunday.
As I think of it, I can say that if I knew so many things still lay ahead, I would not have even worried one bit!
Now that I’ve gained admission, schooling still comes with it’s own challenges that I have to deal with every day. Will I think of killing myself because of the loads of assignments I now have to write? Abeg, the devil is a liar.
Now, I have fallen head over heels in love with myself. All I hear from my savior now is “Bolaji, you’re beautiful.”
“You’re talented and useful.”
“I made you for a purpose.”
“You’re a vessel unto honour.”
“You’re important and your friends and family love you.”
“You’re good enough!”
“You’re fearfully and wonderfully made.”
“Keep it up, you can do more!”
“I knew you before you were born.”
“I love you and absolutely nothing can separate you from my love.”
I hear these lovely remarks daily and I just want to end by saying this – JESUS SAVES. I know, because HE SAVED ME!
That’s it o.
Thank you dear Frances for letting me share this post here too. God bless you! She recently wrote a book titled “Chastity for Men” and apart from sharing her walk to being chaste, she also included real stories from other men on chastity. Download your copy here and thank me later! The words will surely bless your heart!
JAMB(Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board) jammed me three times. And I guess what made it more painful was that I passed all 3 exams but there was always an issue with the schools I chose.
Now, I see that God had better plans jare.
I also want to let you know that God has great and mighty plans for your life! You just wait and watch Him unfold it before your eyes!
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Have a splendid day/month ahead.