A peek into my journal…

A peek into my journal…

Good Monday Morning!
How was your weekend?
I hope it was not filled with as much reading as mine. (Exams start today, say a prayer for me!)
I apologize that there was no PraiseLetter on Friday. (I do not like how often I have to apologize because of lack of posting-I am working on that!)
I cannot tell if you noticed; but I have been dry of late.
My spirit has that itch again, you know; that one that is very uncomfortable that either makes you so guilty that you run from God or so guilty that you run to Him.

I have not been as serious as I ought. I am dominantly sanguine (If you know much about the personality types); so focus is not my strongest point. I am not one who loves routine. For example, I have friends who would never write another post instead of ‘The Word’ which is scheduled for Monday’s. However, that does not make me better or worse than every other person. We all have our strengths and weaknesses (I should write on personality types sometime).
I have to put down lists of stuff to do during the day, if not I might not remember. And if I do remember, something else might interest me that I leave the other stuff half way or not even do it at all.
My roommate and I even had a mini argument last week because I mostly forget to turn off our gas where the control switch is. It seemed like I was purposely doing it, but truth is, I just do not remember stuff as much as a Melancholy or Choleric person will. I might seem insensitive or like I do not care about specific things; but truth is that I do not forget them on purpose!
Due to this, I was not able to get much done last week. I had a list but I did not follow it.
This made me ‘feel’ guilty. Like, I kind of started avoiding meeting with God. I ‘felt’ like He was mad at me because I was also mad at myself. I finally let it go on Saturday and told Him I was sorry; but I could not keep running. I then played a message by Joyce Meyer (my favourite teacher!) and it felt like she was speaking directly to me. It was a message on how to spend time with God and though I really love to be with God, I noticed I had put a little bit of routine into it.
I had given myself the task of finishing the Old Testament this year (which I still hope to achieve) but I always did it during my quiet time. And truth be told, I was not enjoying it as much as I would like (There are amazing stories of men used by God, but some of it is filled with generational names that I cannot pronounce). I was doing religion, not relationship! I had not been reading my Psalms, Proverbs and New Testament that I love so much. Due to this, I had not been enjoying my time with God as I normally would!
I finally let it all go. I then picked my journal for 2014 and saw something I had written to God when I felt like I was not doing enough for Him. From it, I saw that I had grown spiritually from where I was then.
I can never be perfect and God will work in Him even up till death; but He sees my heart; and oh do I love Him! He just wants me to admit that I need Him and that I need to spend time with Him. Simple.
Before this gets to long; this is what I wrote to God over a year ago.

Have I really given myself away?
It is becoming like a routine now.
I mess up, I crawl back. Why?
Because there is no place else where I can find solitude(a positive kind) and answers to my questions.
Only with you, with you Jesus, do I know real peace.
But why do I keep messing up even as I am saved.
Why am I still rude? Why does pride still dwell in me? Why do I still worry? Why do I still cry?
It is now a routine.
I enjoy your presence and then go out of it and mess up.
And sometimes I just want to give up.
But give up to what?
A life of selfishness? Of hypocrisy without conviction? To judging others even when I myself was a Pharisee? To feeling no compassion for the poor? To a proud life and wicked lips?
So when I think of giving up. What do I give up to? NOTHING
Cause there is nothing in my past.
Absolutely nothing. Because you were not in it.
Now I wonder how I lived. Going to sleep without reflecting on how I acted that day or if I hurt you with my heart or actions of the day.
That life is empty. Because you were not there.
But now that I know you and reflect on my actions. Why do I still feel stuck?
If you came now, will you take me? I hope you will.
Because I am not perfect, but I want to be.
I want to be quiet, to be nice, to be kind, to spare, to love, to give myself away.
And sometimes I think I have but really, have I given myself away?
In your perceptive that is.
I hope I try enough to you?
I hope I die daily enough?
Or do you think I am lazy?
Do you think I take you for granted?
Please tell me.
I really want to know, God.
Are you keeping a replacement in case you get tired of me.
Sigh. I am tired of myself. But please do not.
Do not ever get tired of me.
I hope you see Jesus when you see me.
And though I am not sinless or half as perfect as He was; please!
Please God, see Jesus when you see me. (I put this in capital letters)
Help me to give myself away, completely.
To say yes to you daily. To die daily.
Hear my cry Lord. I am stuck. On one spot.
Help me to see myself as Jesus. I am tired.
Please, reply me because I know very well that you read all my letters.

Isn’t it strange that I wrote this to God and filled it with so many questions!

I like how all-over-the-place this write-up is, because our writings to God do not have to be perfect. We can be as vulnerable as we like in our journals!

It is great to see where I am now since writing this in my Journal. As Joyce always says, I am not where I want to be; but I am not where I used to be!
Do you see similarities in this journal post of how you used to be and things that you have learned about God through the months and years?
Please, share with us using the comment box. We need to grow together in Christ. Through Him; we have become siblings.
I love you guys so much and I am grateful every day for the opportunity to share things with you!
Thank you!
Plenty Love, Imperfect B.


  • Been praying for you as regards your exams..

    And the story of our journals.
    God sure reads them all and I can so relate with this. Times when you just feel like you aren’t doing well enough, but God is working in us still, He is patient enough to do it one step at a time, molding us gently and getting the lessons in us, we should be patient with us too and go at the pace God choses to work in us.
    There is always a change, a day’s change, month’s change, a year’s change, we only see it when we look back like you have done now.

    • Thanks for your prayers Frances. God bless you!
      My lesson from this comment “There is always a change, a day’s change, month’s change, a year’s change…” This is deeper than it seems!
      Thanks so very much sis!

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